Halloween The Spoof
by Moviemaster5000
Summary: A spoof of the origional Halloween movie. A must read. Please, please, PLEASE R&R. More chapters on the way. Chapter 2 up.
1. Evil is Born Sort of

Halloween – The Spoof Written by the amazing Movie master 3000  
  
-Haddonfield, Illinois October 31, 1963  
  
A kid in a clown costume is outside of a house. It is dark and silent. The sound heard are the night crickets and the footsteps of the boy. The boy walks up to the house very quietly and looks through the side window. A man and a woman are making out. The lady is the boys sister, and the dude is her boyfriend. The boys sister speaks.  
  
SISTER: My parents won't be back until 10:00.  
  
MAN: Are you sure?  
  
SISTER: Of course.  
  
MAN: We are the only ones here, right?  
  
SISTER: Well, my brother is around here somewhere. And seeing that this house is so small, he probably sees us right now. But were stupid, fruity looking teenagers from the 60's, so it would be stupid of us not to continue what we are doing.  
  
They continue to make out. The man suddenly pulls out a clown mask, puts it on, and makes weird noises while kissing her with the clown mask on. She slaps him across the face and he goes flying across the room.  
  
SISTER: What the hell is wrong with you?  
  
MAN: (crying) You were supposed to laugh at that!  
  
SISTER: Why would I laugh at that?  
  
MAN: Because we are a cheesy couple from the 60's and you are supposed to think everything I do is funny.  
  
SISTER: Ohhhhhhhh..... you're right. I almost forgot.  
  
The couple goes upstairs. The kid walks to the back door and enters. He goes into the kitchen and opens up one of the shelves. Inside are several knives. He goes to pick up one, but cuts himself. He starts crying. As he gets louder and louder, his sisters voice is heard from upstairs.  
  
SISTER: Michael, shut the hell up! Don't make me get my belt!  
  
MICHAEL: (Yelling up the stairs) I cut myself and it really, really hurts. Waaaaaaaaah!  
  
SISTER: That's it. When I'm finished having sex, I'm giving you ten lashes! Remember, if you tell mom and dad, they won't believe you and that would also be an extra ten lashes. Now go get candy!  
  
Michael goes over to the sink and washes off his cut, then gets a baseball bat instead. He walks over to the stairs and stands there as his sister's boyfriend comes down while putting his shirt on.  
  
MAN: That would have to be the shortest and weakest sex I've ever gotten in my whole life.  
  
SISTER: (From upstairs) What was that, sugarplum?  
  
MAN: Nothing. See you tomorrow. (To himself) I knew I should have gone over to Katie's house instead.  
  
The man slips and cracks his head on the floor. What do you expect? I can't just let this gay dude walk away unharmed. Anyway, Michael continues up the stairs with his baseball bat at the ready. The clock strikes nine-o- clock. Michael suddenly stops.  
  
MICHAEL: Oh Man!!! Bedtime already?  
  
He slumps up the stairs and starts walking toward his bedroom. He stops by his sisters bedroom and looks in. She is in front of a mirror in nothing but underwear. She sees him and screams.  
  
SISTER: Holy-- !!!! You son of a bitch! Don't ever do that again!  
  
MICHAEL: I just wanted to ask you if I could stay up a little while longer...  
  
SISTER: No. Go to bed! I hope you never wake up!  
  
Michael frowns at her. She just points in the direction of his bedroom with wide eyes. Michael starts toward the bed, and then tosses the baseball bat into her room in frustration. The bat slams into her head and she falls down, dead. Michael stares at her, then at the bat, then at her, then at the bat, etc. He shrugs, and then puts on his clown mask.  
  
MICHAEL: Well, everyone's going to think I'm a mental psycho because I killed my sister at the age of five. I guess I might as well go along with it. Do I really have a choice?  
  
Michael walks outside to his front lawn. A car pulls up and his parents get out. They walk over to him.  
  
DAD: Michael?  
  
He pulls the clown mask off and Michael just stares into space. His parents just stand there and look at him for five minutes. Michael finally gives up.  
  
MICHAEL: Why are you guys staring at me? Shouldn't you say something like, "Oh my God" or "What have you done"?  
  
DAD: Well, the people that are watching this movie are seeing the camera zoom out, so while that happens, we are supposed to just stand here until the music stops and the scene jumps to 15 years later.  
  
MICHAEL: Oh. That's pretty stupid. What am I going to do for the next fifteen years?  
  
MOM: Sit in an asylum.  
  
MICHAEL: Hmmm... sounds exiting. 


	2. The Messed Up Escape

Smith's Grove, Illinois 0ctober 30, 1978  
  
It is pouring rain. A station wagon hisses by. The Highway is completely deserted, except for this one station wagon. Inside the station wagon are Dr. Sam Loomis and Marion. They are having a conversation as they drive down the highway.  
  
LOOMIS: ...then he gets another physical by the state, and he makes his appearance before the judge. That should take two days, if we're lucky. Then we won't be on our way and he'll kill us.  
  
MARION: What did you use before?  
  
LOOMIS: Thorazin.  
  
MARION: He won't be able to sit up.  
  
LOOMIS: Duh! That's the whole point. Where have you been? He's a freaking psycho. He we are.  
  
The drive past a sign that says:  
  
Smith's Grove- Warren County  
Sanitarium  
  
Beyond the sign is a cold looking building surrounded by a fence with barbed wire. As they continue, they come across another sign that reads:  
  
Turn Back. A lot of crazy people  
live here. It's not pretty.  
  
They keep going and another sign comes up:  
  
I'm serious. Turn Back. You'll never  
be able to sleep again.  
  
Then another one:  
  
Are you guys crazy?! You will regret this for  
the rest of your lives!  
  
Loomis and Marion look at each other. Then one final sign comes up:  
  
Actually, if you are a doctor of one  
of the patients here, forget  
all of the signs you just saw.  
  
Loomis rolls his eyes.  
  
LOOMIS: The driveways a few hundred yards up on your right.  
  
MARION: Are their any special instructions?  
  
LOOMIS: Yeah, stay the hell away from it or you will get strangled to death.  
  
MARION: (With a concerned face) Oh my...  
  
LOOMIS: (Starts cracking up) Nah, I'm just messing with you.  
  
Marion punches him in the face.  
  
LOOMIS: (Grimacing) Jeez, you're no fun.  
  
MARION: I didn't punch you because of that; I punched you because I just remembered all of the sexual gestures you made toward me from across the street yesterday. I meant to do that earlier.  
  
LOOMIS: Well, if I knew we were going to working together...  
  
MARION: Shut up.  
  
LOOMIS: I'm sorry, but sometimes my hormones...  
  
MARION: Shut up.  
  
Loomis shuts up.  
  
MARION: Oh, and I prefer you refer to "it" as a "him".  
  
LOOMIS: But he isn't...  
  
Marion shoots him a look.  
  
LOOMIS: Whatever you say.  
  
MARION: Your compassion is overwhelming, doctor.  
  
Loomis turns his head and looks out the window so the back of his head is to Marion. Then his silently imitates her by mouthing out the words she just said and making a silly face. There is silence for a few moments, then Loomis turns and faces her.  
  
LOOMIS: Ever done anything like this before? MARION: Only minimum security.  
  
Loomis chuckles. Marion turns to him.  
  
MARION: What?  
  
LOOMIS: Oh, nothing, nothing...  
  
Silence for a few more moments, then Loomis suddenly bursts out in laughter.  
  
LOOMIS: Ha, Ha, Ha. Oh—oh, only minimum.. Ha Ha—security... WHA HA HA!  
  
MARION: So what if I've only done minimum security. Who cares!  
  
LOOMIS: Me! WHA HA HA HA HA!  
  
MARION: Don't make me punch you again!!  
  
Loomis stops abruptly. Marion smiles.  
  
MARION: Good boy.  
  
More silence. This time they are quiet for five minutes. Then Marion talks.  
  
MARION: The only thing that ever bothers me is their gibberish. You know, when they rave on and on.  
  
LOOMIS: Well, good luck, because Michael talks all the time. Every time I go to see him, he won't stop. He just goes on and on like the energizer bunny. It gives me a headache!  
  
MARION: Wonderful, just wonderful... God, how long is this road. I thought you said only a couple hundred yards.  
  
LOOMIS: Sorry, I meant thousand.  
  
MARRION: Grrrrrrr...  
  
LOOMIS: Don't even start. The driveway is right up here.  
  
They turn into the driveway and move toward the building. They get to a corner and Marion stops the car sharply. In front of them, lit by the headlights of the station wagon, are five patients playing jump rope and hop scotch. They are dressed in white gowns.  
  
MARRION: Since when do they let them wander around?  
  
LOOMIS: Since last week. They said that it would be good for them to have some fun and fresh air every once and a while.  
  
MARION: Oh, I see...  
  
LOOMIS: Wait! That would mean they let Michael out!  
  
They look ahead and see a patient standing at the side of the road away from all the other patients. They drive over to him. Loomis gets out of the car and talks to him. Marion just watches them have their conversation. Loomis looks like he is getting frustrated as they talk. Suddenly he punches the patient in the stomach. Then he runs back into the car.  
  
LOOMIS: Move towards the entrance.  
  
MARION: Shouldn't we pick him up?  
  
LOOMIS: Move it!!  
  
They start towards the entrance.  
  
MARION: What did he say?  
  
LOOMIS: He asked me if I could help him find his purple lawnmower.  
  
MARION: Oh God.  
  
LOOMIS: He said something else. "It's all right now. He's gone. The evil is gone".  
  
MARION: (Rolls her eyes) And you punched him because of that?  
  
LOOMIS: I couldn't help it. He wasn't answering any of my questions. I got frustrated, is all.  
  
MARRION: Whatever.  
  
They drive up to the entrance of the sanitarium. Suddenly a shape springs from the darkness and jumps on top of the station wagon. The wagon starts bouncing up and down as Loomis and Marion look around with confused expressions.  
  
MARRION: Something fell on the roof.  
  
The roof continues to buckle in and out wildly.  
  
LOOMIS: Some one jumped on the roof.  
  
Loomis opens the door and steps out. Suddenly a fist from the roof hits him in the face. He staggers back and rolls down a hill into a tree. Marion starts to react, but a hand reaches in from the roof and grabs her hair. She struggles to free the hand from her hair, then another hand grabs onto her arm. Another hand grabs onto her other arm. Then another hand grabs onto her leg, etc. Marion suddenly frowns.  
  
MARION: What the hell is going on here?  
  
We hear a voice come from on top of the station wagon.  
  
VOICE (MICHAEL): Hey, I'm the killer not you guys. Stop following me!  
  
Marion watches out of her window as five patients get thrown off the roof of the car. Now only two hands remain at the window. She continues to struggle as Michaels other hand grips around her neck. She struggles to breath, but his grip is two stong. Suddenly, she frowns.  
  
MARION: Oh my GOD!  
  
Michaels voice is heard from the top of the car as he strangles her.  
  
MICHAEL: What is it.  
  
MARION: Loomis told me that (cough) you would do this to me. (Cough) But he said he was joking around so I wouldn't be cautious. (Cough) Now you are going to kill me. It was all (cough) part of his plan to get rid of me. Kill him for me when you are finished with me okay (cough).  
  
MICHAEL: I would, but he's not supposed to die until Halloween 2.  
  
MARION: Crap! (Cough) I hate both of you.  
  
Michael continues to strangle her until she is motionless. The he throws her out of the car and gets in. he puts his foot on the pedal and starts to drive away. The car does some swerves before it crashes into a tree and blows up. The mental patients stop what they are doing; look at the explosion, and go, "OOOOOOO, AAAWWWW." Michael gets out of the blown up car covered in ash. He curses, and then runs off into the woods. Loomis wakes up and looks around. He sees Marion lying on the ground in the road. He runs up the hill to her.  
  
LOOMIS: It's okay. The evil is gone!  
  
Marion doesn't reply. Loomis looks down at her, annoyed.  
  
LOOMIS: Hello?! I said the evil is GONE!  
  
Still no reply. Loomis looks at her closely and sees the bruises on her neck. He realizes she is dead and jumps up and down in harmony.  
  
LOOMIS: I don't believe it! It worked! She let her guard down because she thought that when I said to stay away from him or she would get strangled to death, she actually thought I was joking around. This is the greatest day of my life!  
  
He starts to walk away, but trips over her body. He rolls down another hill and bashes his head against a tree. Thus, the weird crazy doctor is born. 


End file.
